sitting here staring at a computer screen, which isn't
really too surprising, since I've been in about that
same posture for the last, say, 15 years. My mother
bought me a Commodore 64 when I was a wee lad of 6,
and that, combined with an IQ test, a private school,
and a number of other related factors, helped make
me the pale white social retard I am today. Not that
if I hadn't got into computers I'd be black, but you
Anyway, I forswore the outside world to stay within
a room lit by the fascinating pixilated glow of the
C64's 16 color monitor, grudgingly doing yardwork
to justify my allowance and the occasional game that
would come my way. So not many friends were made,
and the groundwork was laid for most of my irrational
fears and paranoias that way.
the late 1980's, a number of "online services" began
operating, such as Compuserve and Prodigy, and my
mom, wanting to get me socially active in whatever
way possible, bought a 300 baud modem and a subscription
to one that has now been long forgotten, PlayNet.
The big selling point was that you could play rudimentary
board games online, if you had anybody to play them
with. I didn't, and I really can't remeber what we
used it for.
was before email, before anybody but scientists was
using the Internet; it was fairly sparsely populated,
and we let our subscription lapse, the modem plugged
in forlornly to the back of the Commodore's keyboard,
my memory lapses, but if we pick up a year later,
with me at the tender age of 10, we find me calling
up BBS's on a regular basis. A BBS, for all the pre-teens
reading this (keep reading, kids - there's a NAKED
LADY later!), stands for Bulletin Board System; it's
sort of like a "guestbook" on a web page, or a newsgroup,
but hosted by somebody out of their home. So I was
a regular on a couple of them, posting under the handle
"Atheist" because the idea of disbelief in God was
just so bitchin, man. And I was I guess fairly funny
and witty for a pre-pubescent, as I was accepted fairly
couple of the Sysops (short for systems operators...)
lived in West Seattle, and in June, one quiet summer,Vex
(the handle of this guy) decided to throw a party
at his house so everybody could crawl out of their
respective warrens of detritus and meet each other...face
to face. So I did not ask my mom if I could go, duh,
and hopped onmy rad BMX bike that was ridden rarely
if at all and started pedaling. I had the street address,
but no real idea as to the distance, and I got way
too tired less than halfway there. My palsied legs,
unused to any physical exertion, buckled underneath
me, and I coasted down the hill to 7-11 for a Slurpee.
stayed offline for a week as the result of a shoddy
report card, spending my time brooding, shoplifting,
and dreading my return to school.
Monday, I checked in on the BBS, ready to offer my
apologies for not showing up. I read through the new
Man, all you guys who missed the party missed a great
time; there was food, drinks and plenty of surprises.
Maybe next time, eh?
- Ha ha! Yeah, it was great; Vex, you're a genius,
when Jen took off her top, I thought I was gonna pass
out! Is she your actual girlfriend or are you just
Nah, I just hired her. I wish!
sat back and rubbed my eyes. Not only had I missed
meeting all these people, I had missed what would
probably be my only chance to see a real naked lady
in person! On reflection, this was probably a good
I would see a naked lady several years later.