weekend I was gently roped into returning to one of
my old occupations, which is being a low-skill party
bartender. Rather than the life of a real bartender,
which requires careful attention paid to each and
every customer, when you're dispensing drinks at a
party, it's like feeding hogs at a trough, or playing
that old video game Tapper. People come. They want
a margarita or a bottle of Heineken. Find out which.
If they want a margarita, take one from the tray.
Hand it to them. If they want a Heineken, dip your
hand into the dirty ice water that they're kept in.
Wipe the water off of the bottle with your hand. Remove
the cap. If the bottle's still wet, take a napkin
and wipe it again. Give them the beer. If they complain
that the beer is too warm, take it back. Drink it
yourself. Somebody may want a shot of tequila. Give
it to them. They may want you to drink a shot with
them. Drink it fast, there's people waiting. Make
sure the tip boxes are visible. Smile. Smile, smile,
smile. This man wants water. Fill his cup up with
ice and pour a little of your precious bottled water
into his cup. You've taken your watch off so you have
no idea how much longer the party's supposed to go.
The music is loud. You're a little drunk. The drinks
that your partners are making get a little stronger.
You spill a drink on yourself. You spill a drink on
your girlfriend who is working with you. Do a little
dance. In your quiet moments, clean up the bottle
caps and empty cups. Eventually they'll get tired
and go home. Smile at the girls. Clean up as people
are heading out. Sweep the floors. Split the tips.
Go home and sleep. Tomorrow, at the bar, tip a little
better, drink a little more.