This weekend I was gently roped into returning to one of my old occupations, which is being a low-skill party bartender. Rather than the life of a real bartender, which requires careful attention paid to each and every customer, when you're dispensing drinks at a party, it's like feeding hogs at a trough, or playing that old video game Tapper. People come. They want a margarita or a bottle of Heineken. Find out which. If they want a margarita, take one from the tray. Hand it to them. If they want a Heineken, dip your hand into the dirty ice water that they're kept in. Wipe the water off of the bottle with your hand. Remove the cap. If the bottle's still wet, take a napkin and wipe it again. Give them the beer. If they complain that the beer is too warm, take it back. Drink it yourself. Somebody may want a shot of tequila. Give it to them. They may want you to drink a shot with them. Drink it fast, there's people waiting. Make sure the tip boxes are visible. Smile. Smile, smile, smile. This man wants water. Fill his cup up with ice and pour a little of your precious bottled water into his cup. You've taken your watch off so you have no idea how much longer the party's supposed to go. The music is loud. You're a little drunk. The drinks that your partners are making get a little stronger. You spill a drink on yourself. You spill a drink on your girlfriend who is working with you. Do a little dance. In your quiet moments, clean up the bottle caps and empty cups. Eventually they'll get tired and go home. Smile at the girls. Clean up as people are heading out. Sweep the floors. Split the tips. Go home and sleep. Tomorrow, at the bar, tip a little better, drink a little more.