At some point in 1997, with my love life at a lull, I hit upon the idea that all I really needed from women to be happy was to have them tousle my hair gently and call me "Squirrel." I can't place the exact moment when it hit me.

It sounds stupid, or it sounds perverse, or it just doesn't sound right, but by God it works. It makes me happy, a condition which I rarely attain and always aspire to. I don't have any explanation for it.

Since the unearthing of this portion of my personality, I have begun to take on more squirrel-like traits - tree-climbing, storing food in my cheek-pouches, and so on. This upcoming week will examine the development of these traits, as well as present supplemental information on squirrels, as well as my relationship to them.

If you have knowledge about squirrels or an explanation for my - fetish, I guess, although it's not exactly sexual - please email me at