really only did one bad thing yesterday, surprisingly.
It was my best friend Tomas's birthday so I ran crosstown
to this bakery to get cupcakes for the office to celebrate.
That's part of my job, I'm an "office manager" which
basically translates to "slave." But that's okay.
Anyways, I'm on my way back with a big bag full of
delicious cupcakes when I see that traffic on the
sidewalk in front of me has come to a near halt. I
finally make my way up to where the obstruction is
and find that it's a fat midwestern tourist woman
with a video camera filming some building or something.
Some of the sidewalks here in New York are pretty
narrow, and this woman was so fat that she was blocking
off nearly the entire thing, requiring other pedestrians
to inch by her one by one. So as I inched in front
of her massive girth, I leaned up and spit a wad of
saliva right into the lens of her camcorder. She reared
back and I took off running, gently cradling the bag
of cupcakes under my arm, laughing like a fucking
maniac the whole way. Note to anybody who ever wants
to be a tourist in New York while I live here: provoke
me, and you will get spit on. Actually, that's kind
of a good thing I did.