Superstar!
by K. Thor Jensen
produced by Leeore Schnairsohn

It all started when I got an e-mail from my friend Esther. It was only three lines long, but I knew that it would change my life forever:

Hey, ABC and MTV are auditioning for a new Backstreet Boys-like band on Thursday. You should go out and audition for it.

There was no way in hell that I was letting this one pass me by. Even though I had less than 48 hours to turn myself from a corpulent, arrhythmic desk jockey to a gleaming, glittering hunk of teenage masculinity, I was confident and ready. With the help of some trusted friends, a little bit of luck, and a whole lot of showbiz magic, I was going to score the part and dance my way into your hearts.

Well, obviously, that didn't happen, or else I'd be somewhere in Florida snorting cocaine off the concave bellies of tan-skinned third-class models instead of writing this article. But where I failed, you may succeed. By following my advice, and learning from my examples, the next time a boy band audition comes through your town, you'll be ready and waiting to catapult yourself to stardom. Make us proud.

PREPARATION

First, you have to find an audition. Major talent agencies are always auditioning, but many boy bands are auditioned all at once, in a group assemblage of testosterone 'n' talent. I auditioned for a group by the name of "O-Town," a joint project of ABC, MTV, and Trans Continental Records.

Then you have to prepare. Breaking into the boy band field isn't as easy as just putting on a pair of sparkly pants and shaving between your eyebrows; it takes hard work and dedication. Usually you will have to sing at the audition, and sometimes dance, so it is recommended that you practice both before the big day. Make sure not to overextend either your voice or your body; drink lots of lemon tea and stretch vigorously. For the singing, you will usually be given a list of acceptable songs. For my audition, they were "Silent Night," "The Star-Spangled Banner," and "Amazing Grace." If you demonstrate a modicum of singing talent, you may be asked to sing more, often a song by a current boy band. As for dancing, it's best to have a short routine worked out, no more than two minutes in length. It's doubtful they will ask you to perform any specific moves; more likely they'll ask you to "freestyle" for a bit. Avoid any blatantly sexual gyrations of the hips. Don't hump the floor. Keep your shirt on.

As I only had one day to prepare for my audition, my manager and I had to cut a few corners. Most of the singing practice would have to be done by me in the shower, as we needed to concentrate on what I felt to be my greatest asset: sheer, raw dance talent. Armed with the complete New Kids On The Block discography, we spent a nerve-wracking evening in the studio getting my moves polished up to my high-stepping best. Tough love and harsh discipline combined to make me a dancing dynamo, and I retired to bed that night confident of my footwork.

Unfortunately, I focused too much on dancing that night and not enough on the other aspects of being a successful teen idol: singing, posture, and skin care. To succeed in an audition, you need to have the complete package--all the practice in the world won't make up for missing any one of these elements.

COMPETITION

The next morning, we met up at New York's Hard Rock Cafe for the audition. I was mentally prepared, even overconfident, but found my body shivering, shaking, and sweating. Justly reproved for my hubris, I scoped out the competition. Most were of the traditional pretty-boy mold, with the occasional Dawson's Creek forehead or black person mixed in, dressed in Nautica and Tommy Hilfiger--an enormous, burgeoning mass of adolescent hope.

One advantage I seemed to have over my fellow auditionees was my look. Unlike the majority of the preppy, khaki-clad teenagers there, I was clad in stylish vintage clothing, a blue polyester patterned shirt and black pants. This made me stand out from my peers. My strategy at the time was to capitalize on my research of boy bands: i.e. each unit has one member who is "strange" and serves as a contrast to the other four tall, all-American boys. Since I am not tall, blonde, or in possession of a six-pack abdomen, this is the role I was shooting for. You need to learn to play to your strengths.

MANNERS

It was as I was reveling in my upcoming success that fate struck the first blow against me. A representative of Trans Continental Records approached my manager and instructed him to leave the Hard Rock Cafe under threat of lawsuit. We protested valiantly, but to avoid a protracted legal battle, submitted to his bullying. When I became a star I knew that I could have his swishy ass removed from the company and replaced.

Here we note a glaring fault in my audition procedure; I should have arranged credentials for my entourage and sycophants well in advance or, more properly, I should have had my entourage arrange this themselves-- after all, that's what they're for.

As time went on, I became upset. I had relied on my support staff to guide me through the audition, to reassure me of my greatness, and to protect me from the shocked losers left steaming in my wake. Without any friends to hold on to, I was lost. I knew that I would have to be strong--stronger than I had ever been before. I took my place in line with the other hopefuls, studying lyric sheets and singing scales, adjusting clothes and smoothing stray hairs into place. The line slowly moved towards the sealed room where the producers would observe us one at a time. My hands were clammy with sweat. I wiped them stealthily on the back of a Tommy Hilfiger sweater.

And here we notice another fault: my inability to remain composed. I let the external stimulus of the audition get to me, and as a result became unduly nervous and sweaty. Nervousness is your biggest enemy in a performance situation. The illusion of complete professionalism that a teen idol must project needs to be flawless; any mistake, no matter how minor, will be unfeelingly scrutinized by the judges. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to become upset by events beyond my control.

PERFORMANCE

Finally, it was star time. I stepped over the velvet rope and into the judging room. Walking somewhat shakily to the microphone, I lowered it to my mouth (the last applicant was rather tall) and introduced myself to the room. Then I lowered my head and started to sing. Unfortunately, I was so nervous from the events of the day, so emotionally adrift at the loss of my trusted advisors, that my voice cracked like a twelve-year-old's at a stripper convention. I blushed a deep red and bravely struggled through "Silent Night" but it was obvious that my voice wasn't going to carry the day for me. Desperately, I began to run through a dance routine in my head, confident that my flashy footwork would win their hearts, but I was never given the chance. I was gently escorted from the room.

By de-emphasizing the singing, I shot myself in the foot for the audition. I had misguessed the priorities of the judges. My mistake, however, was not unfounded; given that MTV is, for the most part, concerned with style over substance, I had thought that a good "look" would prove more worthwhile than actual singing talent. If I had sung better, I would have had the opportunity, perhaps, to dance, making all the preparation worthwhile.

It's been several weeks and I still have not gotten my callback. I am trying to remain positive about the situation, but it is very difficult. This was my time, and through a number of corporate machinations, it was stolen from me. If you believe that I should be given another chance to audition, with my manager and entourage by my side, please write to ABC Networks or MTV.

RESOURCES

A Short History of Boy Bands

The boy band truly came of age in 1984 with the formation of the New Kids On The Block. Mega-producer Maurice Starr, attempting to replicate the success of his previous group New Edition, recruited five Beantown white boys to form a teenage R&B group. Recording their first album while they were all under 16 years old, NKOTB became a breakout hit with preteen girls the world over, and truly created the genre of the boy band. Finally, all of the elements were in place: Choreographed dancing, clear skin, and one doofy member with a funny hat. They ruled the charts until 1990, and finally disbanded in 1994, with many members moving on to solo careers. Every boy band burning up the charts today owes a tremendous debt to the New Kids; they created the mold for nearly every band to follow.

The rise of grunge in the early 1990s briefly put an end to the popularity of boy bands, as teens turned to the mopey Kurt Cobain for their musical fulfillment. But with Cobain's death in 1994, the door was once again opened, and boy bands made a triumphant resurgence. The world no longer wanted music that was dour and angry; it wanted cute, smooth-skinned heterosexual boys in shiny shirts who wouldn't kill themselves. And that's exactly what it got.

The Backstreet Boys, the most popular and well-known boy band as of this writing, first broke out in Europe. The five Boys have since re-ignited the popularity of the boy band in the classic New Kids mode and opened the door for hordes of similar groups, including 98 Degrees, LFO (Lyte Funkie Ones), Boyzone, and many more. It certainly looks like boy bands are here to stay, as, for every member that grows his first facial hair and embarks upon a "serious career," there are a dozen new, fresh-faced preteens with angelic voices springing up to take his place. You can thank Maurice Starr for that!

Links

NKOTB 4 Life--for all your New Kids on the Block needs.

Come to Bri's AWESOME BSB page to see Nick, AJ, Kevin, Howie D., and Brian with their shirts off!

Move over, N*Sync, here come the Lyte Funky Ones!

Boy Bands Inc. has pics of the HOTTEST boy bands!

Charged: Extreme Leisure. http://www.charged.com/
Copyright 2000 Zap Internet Corp. All rights reserved.