The Seven Most F*cked Video Games

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The Seven Most F*cked Video Games
Pixelated porno, poop, and disembodied heads from the golden age of video games.
By K. Thor Jensen

I've been playing video games since almost before I could walk. When I was five years old, entrenched in front of the Donkey Kong machines at my local Safeway, I begged strangers for quarters. At ten I wasted my allowance at Arnold's video arcade, a sleazy hole in the wall in Seattle's porno district. When I was fifteen, I spent solitary hour after solitary hour in my basement, illuminated only by the glow of my Super Nintendo.

While most video games are your usual shoot-things, jump-on-platforms, kill-bad-guys fare, every once in a while something unique comes along. What follows are seven examples of video games that don't just break the mold--they break the boundaries of good taste or even good ideas. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Seven Most Demented Video Games of All Time.

Custer's Revenge, for the Atari 2600.

Most of you will remember the Atari 2600, the blocky, primitive machine that brought video gaming home to rec rooms and basements across America. Over 250 games were released for the 2600, and it remained popular for over a decade. Custer's Revenge was the first "adult" video game. In it, you control General Custer, nude except for his hat and sporting an enormous boner. On the right side of the screen an Indian woman stands tied to a pole. The goal of the game is to walk Gen. Custer from the left side of the screen to the right, dodging cactuses and arrows. Upon doing so, the game plays a bit of music, the Indian woman lifts her legs around Custer's waist, and you score one point. Repeat until satisfied.

From the instruction manual: "Scoring: When Custer successfully reaches the maiden, repeatedly depress the "fire" button. Do not hold it down. You receive one point for each time you "score." So press it over and over again as rapidly as you can. Watch how the maiden smiles and kicks up her heels and Custer "flips his lid."

The Mystique company released a number of "adults-only" Atari 2600 games, including "Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em" and "Burning Desire." They were sold in leather cases with locks on the front so that children wouldn't get into them by accident and be horribly traumatized. I'm 22 years old and this game horribly traumatizes me. (Note: If you garner any form of sexual satisfaction from playing this game, please seek medical help.)

Download a binhexed version of the Custer's Revenge ROM here:
(http://www.digitpress.com/emu/a2600/custerev.bin)
This requires an Atari 2600 emulator such as Stella.

Toilet Kids, for the PC Engine (Turbo-Grafix 16).

This game, which was never released in America, is all about fecal matter. The storyline is as follows: you play a young Japanese kid who wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Suddenly, a geyser of water shoots out of the toilet, rocketing you up into the air! On the way down, you are sucked inside the toilet. From your new perch, you fly around shooting at all of the various poop-related enemies you see.

Basically, the only rule of the game is: if it looks like poop, shoot it. You'll be shooting farting flies, pre-pube urine-spraying penises, monkeys that pull poop out of their butts and throw it at you, spiders with giant asses that spin webs, an elephant with a big pile of poop on his head, and, at the end of the game, UHPI, the King of Underpants. Defeat him, and the poop-covered world returns to normal. Then you'll be treated to a speech by an old man with tighty-whiteys on his head, holding two rolls of magic toilet paper.

Download a zipped version of the Toilet Kids rom here:
(http://www.classicgaming.com/vault/roms/tg16roms.ToiletKids7382.shtml)
This requires a TG-16 emulator such as PCE.

Toe Jam and Earl: Panic on Funkotron, for the Sega Genesis.

Okay, this is one of the most whacked plots in game history. Funk is actually an alien substance from the planet Funkotron. As Toe Jam (a skinny, red, three-legged thing) or Earl (who looks like Fat Albert if he were made out of tapioca pudding), you must capture humans in your special jars and return them to Earth before they drain all the Funk from your planet.

Okay. So, anyway, playing as either Toe Jam or Earl, you wander around Funkotron throwing your jars at a variety of bizarre humans, including a cartoonish African-American kid, a naked man in a refrigerator box, an immensely fat woman with vicious attack poodles, a little girl who kicks you in your alien nuts, and other charming stereotypes. As you progress, you will run into Funkotronians who will tell you stories or, if you're really lucky, challenge you to a beatboxing contest! If you are funky enough, you'll be rewarded with "funk points" which can be used to power your "funk vacuum."

This game has fueled huge amounts of speculation as to exactly which drugs the designers were flying on while coding it; perhaps you can figure it out, but if not, you'll have another chance, as the developers have announced their intentions of making a Toe Jam and Earl game for the upcoming Playstation 2 system.

The Official Toe Jam and Earl Site: http://www.tjande.com/
Download a zipped version of ToeJam and Earl: Panic on Funkotron here:
(http://www.emux.com/custom/desc/desc.cgi?emux@@1359@@996-1331-997-1359-272-1318-998-999-1000-1001@@1@@@@30@@gen@@t@@Thunder..Force..III--Thunder..Force..IV--Tinytoon..Adventures--ToeJam..&..Earl..2--Toki..(2..sets)
Requires a Genesis emulator such as KGEN or Genecyst.

Kato & Ken, developed by Hudson Soft for the PC Engine.

This game follows the wacky adventures of two Japanese comedians as they investigate a case of kidnapping. You can choose to play as either Kato, who has a pompadour and resembles a game show host, or Ken, who looks charmingly like a child molester. You'll come across the one you didn't choose pissing up against lampposts, hanging out in public restrooms dressed as vampires or women, and hunkering down behind bushes suffering from what appears to be a severe case of constipation.

The game itself is basically a Super Mario Brothers style run-and-jumper, but instead of throwing fireballs, you crouch down and fart clouds of gas at your opponents. You run through streets, sewers, caves and islands dodging rabid dogs, squirrels, gangsters, and birds that drop turds on you from the sky. Along the way, you collect fruit that extends your life, coins which can be used to play slot machines, and keys to open doors. At the end of every four levels, you fight a big guy with a mohawk. I've never managed to play my way through this whole game, because every time I get to the guy crapping behind the bush, I fall on the floor laughing and die.

Download a zipped version of the Kato & Ken rom here:
(http://www.classicgaming.com/vault/roms/tg16roms.KatoKen7290.shtml)
Requires a TG-16 emulator such as PCE.

Journey: Escape, released for arcades and the Atari 2600.

Oh, come on, you remember Journey. Sure you do. Journey, the band known as much for their exploration of new musical technology as they were for their '70s power ballads. Not only did they record part of the soundtrack to Tron, but they were the first musical group to ever star in a video game.

From the Journey: Escape manual: "You must lead all five members of Journey through waves of pesky characters and backstage obstacles to the Scarab Escape Vehicle before time runs out. You must also protect $50,000 in concert cash from grasping groupies, photographers, and promoters."

Journey: Escape plays a little like a prog-rock Frogger. You guide the five members of the band past groupies, diabolical concert promoters, and irritating paparazzi, to the "Scarab Escape Vehicle" after the end of their concert. The game plays 4-bit renditions of Journey songs for you as you attempt this arduous task, and, like many great old Atari games, the gameplay repeats the same old thing over and over with no end. Much like Journey, actually.

The Journey: Escape web page is here:
(http://journey.simplenet.com/journey/resources/atari2600/index.html)
Download a Zipped version of Journey: Escape here
(http://www.classicgaming.com/vault/2600roms/JRNYESCP.zip)
Requires an Atari 2600 emulator such as Stella.

Zombie Nation, for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

In Zombie Nation, you're in control of a holographic projection of the severed zombie head of a dead Japanese samurai who shoots fire out of his mouth (of course). Some sort of alien jerkoff called "Darc Seed" has landed in the Nevada desert, intending to conquer the earth or something. Pretty standard, but instead of, say, the U.S. Army whipping the crap out of this alien guy, we get the aforementioned head. I'd prefer tanks and helicopters, but oh well.

From the Zombie Nation manual: "By shooting strange magnetic rays, Darc Seed turned the nation into zombies, even bringing the Statue of Liberty to life to do his dirty work. When the great head of the samurai, Namakubi, heard that the legendary samurai sword Shura had fallen into evil hands, he set off immediately for the United States. For only he possessed the strength and knowledge needed to recapture the magical sword and free the U.S. from the evil clutches of Darc Seed."

So you've got your flying zombie head and you're all set to save America. How do you do that, you ask? Well, since you're a severed head and not all that bright, you decide the best way to save America is by destroying large buildings. Makes sense, right? For some reason, blowing up buildings "weakens Darc Seed's evil spell," and also releases "zombie hostages" whom you must rescue. You or I might think it wiser to rescue the HUMAN hostages and leave the zombies to their own devices, but we're not flying zombie samurai heads, so there we go.

Download a Zipped version of the Zombie Nation rom here:
(http://www.fortunecity.com/skyscraper/klamath/65/zombie.zip)
Requires a Nintendo Entertainment System emulator such as Nesticle.

Photograph Boy, for the PC Engine.

In this game, you play a sweaty, unhappy photographer for a small-town newspaper. Your menacing editor sends you out to various locations and you have to appease his anger by taking as many interesting photographs as you can. However, since this game was apparently designed by degenerate maniacs, the things you photograph are unusual, to say the least.

The weirder the photograph, the more points you earn. Taking a picture of something ordinary, like a cute dog or a pretty girl, gets you a paltry 100 points. But take a picture of a cute dog being hit by a car, or a girl tripping on a banana peel and falling on her face, and the points skyrocket. This game is full of bizarre photo opportunities: Michael Jackson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Marilyn Monroe (with her skirt blowing up) and other celebrities; cars running into lampposts and hitting little girls; a flasher waggling his genitals for the camera; UFOs abducting cars, planes crashing, ships sinking. All this while you happily saunter through, snapping pictures.

Download a Zipped version of Photograph Boy at:
(http://www.classicgaming.com/vault/roms/tg16roms.PhotographBoy7335.shtml)
Requires a TG-16 emulator such as PCE.

Emulator Resources

You will need an emulator to play the games featured in this article. There are many sites devoted to classic game emulation on the Web. In our opinion, the two best are:

- Classic Gaming (http://www.classicgaming.com)
It's the hub of the emulation scene, featuring weekly articles on games, areas that focus on specific games and genres, and the latest emulator releases.

- Emux.com (http://www.emux.com).
It's a comprehensive, diverse site featuring emulators for virtually any system you can think of, as well as thousands of ROM files.

For more wacky video games, check out Sean Reiley's page.
(http://www.seanbaby.com/vidgames.htm)
Sean dares to take on some of the games that didn't make the cut for this article. Enjoy! And don't die. Amen.