This is probably why you're here - the meat and potatoes of the site. I'm not sure how I feel about these stories anymore - on one hand, their emotional directness and accuracy is charming, but on the other, they're embarassingly single-minded, self-obsessed and mopey. You can make up your own mind, I think.

Trip Log - the story of a bus trip along the California coast.
Ugly - a overdramatic account of my physical flaws.
Stealing - an analysis of my brief kleptomanic period.
Drunk - find out how that vomit got on the floor of the subway car.
Fratboys, Christians, Disco - well dressed and tapping the keg of root beer, a story of old Seattle.
Junior Achievement - the sweet smell of success goes sour in the nose.
Not Naked - an attempt to publicly disrobe is foiled.
Bands - missed notes and dropped beats, a short history.
An Ass From The Past - trouble bubbles up from unexpected places.
Two Hundred Dollars - a kingly sum paid in queenly fashion.
Interbay - silent nights driven by sucrose and broken hearts.
Jenny - is this love or simply left behind? The saddest story here.
Lisa - second in the series of romantic catastrophes.
Bridget - third and earliest of my failures with girls.
Anna - and we round the bases to make it a clear quartet.
I Am The Stupidest Man Alive - a soft and gentle coda to the four-part movement above.
Journalism Class I - tales from the high school pressroom.
Journalism Class II - additional chronicles of the student newspaper.
BBS Party - young, dumb, and 300 baud.
Waterslide Park - worst summer vacation ever?
Wedding - don't worry, it wasn't mine.
Christmas - presents, how to open them before they're due, and more.
Acid Trip Park - the classroom of hard knocks.
Manual Labor - lifting, pulling, crying, you know the drill.
Bad Things I Did Yesterday - this is a yesterday long ago, of couse.
Prom - of course I went to prom, how many chances do you get?
Teachers - hated them all.
Drugs - did them all. Or at least most of them.
Kidnapped Part One - a classic of gullibility and blindness, in two parts for ease of reading.
Kidnapped Part Two - the raging climax of the above.
Runaway - I was a teenage after-school special.
Superstar - dancing shoes on and polished, but stardom eludes me.
Televised Humiliation - one of many, this one seen by all of my peers.
Andron - a strange name for one so strange. The first thing ever written for this site.


A handful of long-form pictoral narratives, some of an autobiographical bent, to complement the stories above.

MARS 1999 is a 29-page story about love, confusion, theme restaurants and fucking Irish DJs. It was drawn in mid-2000. Page 1 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29

THE ROBOT was drawn for the Top Shelf anthology in 1998. The art is - crude, to say the least, but the story is pretty strong and about robots and stuff. Page 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6

GHOSTS was also drawn for Top Shelf. I always thought this story was kind of underappreciated - I like the art style a lot. Page 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

BEHIND THE MASKS is a depressing little joint about self-image and Lucha Libre. Nice zipatone and some terrible portraiture. Page 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7


One-piece gags, jokes, snippets and trifles, some more competently executed than others.

Retro Comics 1992 - Garfield's Least Wanted
Strip for Pulse! magazine (rejected)
Baby Namer
Brad, The Frustrated, Two-Headed, Sensitive Poet
Mick Jagger, The Huge Pile Of Shit Tommy The Tapeworm
Spicy Huge Balls
Deodorant With Tits
Twitchy Tom, The Alcoholic Surgeon
Kids Say The Goddamned Funniest Fucking Things
Renegade Martian Gigolo
The Time Team
Fuckin' Deformed Freak
Cornelius Polyp
Herb the Hollywood Colostomy Bag
Carlos the Senile Mexican Ex-Porno Star
Sarcastic Samuel
Joke Time
Happy Day
Never Been Kissed
ASHL Winter
52 Pick-Up
Become What You Hate
Band Practice
Self Improvement
Tales From The Bartending Station
Office Space
12, Broke, Living with Great-Grandmother
Winter Walk


Oddments discovered on my travels across New York and the world, as well as photographic documentation by myself and others.

Prejudice Against The Rich - flyer found Midtown Manhattan
Rocket Science - photograph by my mother
Why Is This So Funny? - found on an airplane returning from Lousiana and deftly swiped.
Message - left on an ex-girlfriend's answering machine by unknown forces.
Making A Point - photo by Bryan Enk, the author 30 pounds heavier.
Dad w/ turkey vulture - photo credit unknown. Dad shows no fear. City Butts - photo by the author.
Become Attractive
Barbed Wire Halo
The Amazing Secret
Blind Monkey
Neko's Night Club
My Dear Scotts
Portrait of the author
Becky Is Home Safe
I Helped Murder These Clones - flyer found Midtown Manhattan
12/15/99 - Do Not Receive 666 - flyer found Midtown Manhattan
Wilmington, Delaware, 1999
Happy 4th Of July
My Mom Shaved The Dog
Seattle 1999 - photograph by the author
Neoprint - Yaohan Plaza, Edgewater, NJ
Archie Meets Satan - found on the Internet
Neoprint - Yaohan Plaza, Edgewater, NJ
Cool, isn't it? - Super Nintendo screenshot
Vegas (Postscript) - photograph by the author's mother
New Looks - sticker made in Midtown Manhattan
Seattle Country Day School Yearbook - 1987 Unfunny Porno Cartoons Of The 1970s Week Day 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memorial Day Weekend - found in Brooklyn subway station
Monkey Helpers - gift to the author
Award - purchased in upstate New York
The Match - purchased in Cleveland, OH
Nice Little Relationship - illustration by the author
Forgive Him, Dear God - purchased in Cleveland, OH
Chicago Pictures - illustrations by the author
Pac Man - eBay purchase
Orphaned Drawing: Edward Lear Story - watercolors, by the author
Potato Game - Boy Scout handbook, 1950s
I dunno, maybe it's art - altered photograph by the author
Proudest Achievement - high school yearbook, 1994
Trading Cards - purchased in Cleveland, OH
Amano Drawing - courtesy Yoshitaka Amano
Turn Big Baldy to Stone - video game screenshot
Donald Duck Has A Universal Desire - Tijuana Bible, 1940s
Hose Clener - photograph taken in Connecticut
Satan's Sidekick - purchased in Cleveland, OH
Happy Jerk-Off Monkey - eBay purchase
One Big Party - Jack Chick tract
New Media Party Bingo - created by Tomas Clark and the author
Bad Doctor - photo by the author, his room
I can't believe it either - Super Nintendo screenshot
Turtles for sale - photograph by the author, Canal St. NYC 1997
Coin-Operated Children's Amusement Machines Of NYC 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Portrait Of The Author - drawing my Tom Hart
Violent Baby - photo by the author's mother
Nice One, Cyril - eBay purchase
Having A Bad Day - found on the Internet
Working Procedure - Boy Scout handbook, 1950s
Italians: Got Sprem? - found in newspaer, NYC 2000
Happy Apocalypse! - illustration by the author
Alan Thicke, Get Out Of My Bathroom! - photos found by the author
Crap, The Monkey Poster - image courtesy PETA, alteration by the author
Homeless Cart - photogoraph by the author, New York 1999


Christ, yes, I said poetry. I occasionally write a haiku or a little bit of text that doesn't have anywhere else to go.

Special Guest
The Internet And Idiots Therein
Once Again Drunken
Summer Coming Undone
At The Show
Definitive Rant
Appropriate Sleep Locations, In Order
Possible Names
The Real Me
Top Ten Things About The South
Ally Sheedy's Chin
My Bad Self
"the supermarket explodes
Things Not To Say
The Ghost Of Emptiness
Welcome To The Internet
Breaking It (Down) One More Time
Great Falls
Who Am I?
Under The Desk
another broken promise
Dear Sir
An Appreciation: The Mountain Goats
Personal Ads I Have Taken Out
Welcome To The Internet
Las Vegas, A Sermon
Harassing Email
John North Wright - Crazyman
A Resume To Work At UGO
This One Will Knock You On Your Ass


The bits and kibbles of my life as I produced this website, 1999-2001. Only of interest to obsessed fans, I suppose.

Feverish, Loathing
Not Working
New Digs
Three-Day Weekend With Links
Losing Faith
Hardly Working
How To Do
New Job
And So It Goes
Update On Patheticness
Singing Telegram
Turning Up In Strange Places
Turning Up In Strange Places II
Male Model
Squirrel Week - Summation and Resources
Squirrel Week - Q & A
Squirrel Week - Respective Quality Comparison
Squirrel Week - Contract
Squirrel Week - Intro
Giant Insects
Check, Please
Hitting Bottom
Thinking Like Amano
Housing Problems
Frenzied Activity
Let Me Show You Something
Bombs Over Baghdad
Moving Time
Two Years
Lobster Boy
Traveling Blues
Beast's Belly
Shoot Out The Lights - things fall apart. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5


Flash and otherwise, done for a variety of occasions and reasons.

Mother's Day
Valentine's Day
It's My Birthday!
Adlut Room
Rock & Roll


Rare occurances of picking up a microphone and letting it bleed on wax and magnetic particles. More to come soon, with a different page.

Lone Wolf & Cub
Hammer/Hot Nuts
Seeing Your Name